remembering

whether it's been two weeks or two years or six years....we remember...we grieve....we reminisce

my mom and dad....when the love began....

it still grows in heaven

Grieving an old friend!

Loss lingers

amazing how long grief lasts, difficult to realize they are truly gone.....but we will meet again....

loss and eternity

a hush falls over a house when one soul leaves
there is longing to hear their footsteps and stirrings
conversations remain despite their absence
memories linger
no more earthly conversations
no more hugs
no more shared meals
no more shared tears
long past their leaving one hope remains
to join one day
life and death
death and life
live righteously and one day
a better life
a reunion
a new story of eternity

looking for answers

Can one catch old age?

Now that my parental caregiving has ended, I’m tired. I need caregiving.

When I wake up in the morning I want to stay there.

When the weather is yucky I want to stay home.

When there are chores to do, I find too many reasons I can’t do them.

When someone wants to go somewhere I have no energy or excitement to go.

When I do have a day I have energy to go, do or work, I’m wiped out for days.

 

Is this just my own aging taking over or is it something I caught from mom and dad. Does anyone else feel this way? How do we fix it? Can we fix it?

 

Late night

Slow morning start

God is my energy

Just be

Just unplug

God is my source

Quiet mind

Sacred time

God is my spirit

 

Achy, tired, IBS, and doubt.  I need help. I skipped Sunday school and I feel useless and worn out. If this is going to be the rest of my life, I’m finished. God, call me home. If I can get it back, a little energy and joy, God, keep me going.

 

How do people find their energy and strength?

How can I find mine?

Prayer

Scripture

Hope

Exercise

Nutrition

Art

 

Please, God, help me.

 

Do I need rest? Do I need medication? Do I need procedures? Do I need surgery? Do I need patience? Do I need faith? Do I need spunk? Do I need hope? Do I need exercise? Do I need therapy?

God, show me, guide me, help me. Whatever I do, I cannot do it without you.

 

One more question. Is this part of grief? It’s been nearly 5 months. How long does it take to move forward, find new direction and increase motivation? I hopefully settle mom’s estate in a couple weeks. Maybe that will finally give me the

closure and fresh start I need so desperately?

 

Please weigh in. is this normal?

I definitely know this. Without God it can never get better. Without art I can never find any joy or peace. Without family and friends I can never move on.

 

Am I just feeling the weight of the world on me?

I am not responsible for others’ troubles when I did not create them.

 

and thought that someday everything would be fixed, great, and all bad things would be behind her.

 

Instead she’s dragging herself through life.

Every little creature jumps up and bites her.

She’s always the one who gives in or gives up.

Others expect her to change and adapt.

All think she can do it, skip it or just be ok.

She’s tired of it.

She’s broken.

She’s ignored.

She’s not going to take it.

 

I sometimes feel like I have no choice but the truth of the matter is, I do have a choice. I have to make the difficult choices. I either ignore my needs or someone else’s.

 

 

 

still grieving I guess

 

 

it surprises me I guess but I think I’m still grieving. I’m really not grieving with harsh life altering melancholy but quietly and steadily. I am not sure what I should do other than give it time. I grieved the hard sobbing kind of grief while mom and dad declined in health all the years earlier.

 

I know that no two people grieve the same. There are as many styles of grief as there are people and deaths. When Terry lost his parents, it was two different situations entirely. His mother died suddenly and he was in shock but I did everything I could to comfort and support him. (For me it was a reality check and end to a magical charmed fairy tale life.) His dad was sick for several years. There were many trips to the ER. Trips to see him at nursing home. A final trip to the hospital when he died. His dad had enough money to take care of things before, during and after. He did not worry  about bills, caregiving or anything really. Matthew and I visited mid-week so he didn’t have to do so and work too. We tried to care for him at our house and it did not work well. He went back to the nursing home. All this with his dad while taking care of Matthew, potting training him, and trying to maintain some kind of home responsibilities.

 

With Dad I went back and forth for nearly five years before he died, often going to Asheville or the ER or the doctor, often staying overnight, at the same time dealing with mom’s increasing dementia. When he died I still had mom to deal with plus her increase of health and mind issues I continued to make numerous trips. We tried the nursing home, our house and assisted dementia care which was obvious. She failed steadily. I continued to travel, miss sleep, change plans and continue to maintain some kind of home responsibilities.

 

Now, I’m facing a new normal. I have not figured out what that is yet. I don’t know what I should do each day. I don’t know what plans to make. I try to follow my schedule of getting the necessary things done but it doesn’t feel like enough. I have many people trying to maintain contact, checking on me, offering distractions, and prayer to show concern.  I don’t know what I need other than time, sleep, rest, time for art and prayer to help me recover what time I have left.

 

Retired from jobs but not life, still, I maintain some kind of home responsibilities. I maintain commitments. I maintain relationships. I maintain living. However, my cell phone rings and I lurch before realizing it can’t be about mom. I get up in the morning and wonder what I have to do today. Since I don’t have to see about Mom and Dad other than I am still trying to settle mom’s small estate. I also am aware of all the things and people neglected while taking care of them. I can never regain all that was lost then. I don’t know if people realize that. I also don’t know if I can even begin to make it up in the time I have left.

 

This is how I’m grieving. Does anyone get it? I doubt it. Does anyone else grieve this way? Maybe. This is how I’m grieving. It should not necessarily keep me from sleeping but it does. It should not keep me from functioning but it does some days. It should not keep me stalled in my life but it is. This is how I’m grieving. I know all this affects my family and friends but this is how I’m grieving and I have to give it the time needed. I will be better. I will recover. I will figure it out or maybe I won’t. This is how I’m grieving.

 

grief is different for everyone

I miss mom and feel like she’s up the road at Carillon or home. She is home but not in Caroleen. She’s in heaven, her real home, her place of eternal rest, peace, joy, worship and praise. I don’t have to worry about her. Missing her is easier for me than all the worry I had over her. As stated so many times I grieved long before the day she died. I grieved even before she developed Alzheimers.  I grieved every time she worried over family drama and situations. I grieved every time she lost joy to those same situations. I grieved every time she lost her temper at what she thought others were thinking and saying about family members. I grieved every time she was sick or hurt. I grieved every time she let life circumstances rob her of peace. I grieved when I learned she and dad still had financial issues in their later years. I grieved when she did show first signs of dementia. I grieved when she couldn’t remember what we just discussed. I grieved when she couldn’t use the phone. I grieved when she didn’t know her own reflection and became angry at someone wearing her clothes. I grieved when she could no longer call my name. I grieved when she could no longer control her thoughts and emotions. I grieved when she could no longer eat solid food. I grieved when she could no longer feed herself. I grieved when she no longer had any enjoyment in life except for a brief moment when she first saw me come in.

 

So, you see, I have grieved lots for years. I am out of grief. My tears have dried up. My pain has subsided. My loss is over. She’s in heaven with dad, her parents, siblings, and God. Yes, I will miss her till I’m there too but I will no longer grieve. She is where she should be.

i am ok but it's time to educate people about Alzheimers Disease

Everyone keeps checking in to see if I’m okay. Is it weird that I am okay? I don’t think I’m too broken because I was already broken from the past years dealing with her health, mind, decline and so forth. I had already lost my mother. She wasn’t dead but she could no longer really communicate, respond or participate in life with me.

Yes, I miss her terribly but I have for quite some time. I did not have a mother for the last six years or so. She was already with Alzheimer when dad had his stroke. The decline sped up after dad died and the last couple years.

 

I read somewhere today that once you have Alzheimer you continue to decline until death. That’s exactly what happened. It’s a sad cruel disease. It sneaks up on you stealing little thoughts and memories. Then it begins to steal days and eventually people, even your own family and best friends. Then it removes your abilities to dress yourself, feed yourself and at some point interest in food is gone completely. What surprises many people, is why Alzheimer kills; it is the simple reason that the brain is the computer of a body. It tells the body how to move, the lungs to breathe, the tongue and throat how to chew and swallow and for heart to pump blood through the body. We take our bodies for granted. God is a masterful artist, scientist, designer, and creator.

If only God could tell us how to cure it. For years my family was terrified of cancer. They wouldn’t even say the word. Now, every time someone forgets something, they say, “It’s not that. I don’t have it.”  Sadly, one of mom’s two remaining sisters is following the same pattern. She can’t see it. She doesn’t want to start the medicine. She doesn’t want to think about it, if she can.

 

This is the many faces of Alzheimer.

       

                                        terror          dissatisfaction      manic               disinterested

 

 

Emotions change rapidly and caregiving takes love, patience and understanding. The caregiver goes through the same emotions as the afflicted. I don’t think I should share these photos but I must. People need to understand the horror of Alzheimers Disease.

I find .......

In the still of the night

I sometimes find fear

but I sometimes find peace.

In the light of the day

I see things that frustrate me

but I also see the good in life.

On a rainy day

I find a restlessness with details

but I also find a comfort in its rhythms.

On a sunshiny day

I find a fear of clouds stealing my joy

but I also find a warmth for my soul.

In the cold of winter

I shiver at the very hint of trouble

but I also find a serenity in the bare starkness

of the trees against a gray sky.

In the warm embrace of summer

I find fear of returning troubles

but I also feel the warm assurance in the embrace.

On a golden autumn day

I fear a season of grief

but I also welcome a season of a slower pace.

On a clear spring day

I doubt its lasting beauty

but I also realize it sending new beginnings in my life.