when someone is missing

Loss lingers

amazing how long grief lasts, difficult to realize they are truly gone.....but we will meet again....

loss and eternity

a hush falls over a house when one soul leaves
there is longing to hear their footsteps and stirrings
conversations remain despite their absence
memories linger
no more earthly conversations
no more hugs
no more shared meals
no more shared tears
long past their leaving one hope remains
to join one day
life and death
death and life
live righteously and one day
a better life
a reunion
a new story of eternity

God never leaves us alone

 

 

Three months and nearly two days ago, my mom died. It was an emotional release for us both. I was worn down from the constant worry, fear, on call, and dragged down from the eight years of caregiving from a distance. It was only 50 miles one way but I made so many per week. I made so many late night travels. I lost so much confidence, ability, strength, and energy. I found control issues, anger, and doubt I had no idea was so strong in my psyche. I learned so much about fortitude in mind, spiritual sustenance, and that tiny seed of faith. I got through days I thought would never end. I got through nights that were extremely tiring. I got through weak hope, failing spirit, and lost willpower.

 

I miss mom (and dad, 5 years in April). I don’t miss the pain and discomfort and trouble we all experienced on various levels of life’s journey. I don’t miss the late phone calls, the ER visits, the fears, the dread, and the feeling of carrying the whole load.

 

I still have all these traits in my life. I always did. I still have worries and fears. I still have doubt and anger. I see older couples living a life of busy service and pleasure. I see people doing all they want and enjoying it. I know folks are having worse times. I know families are in dire situations that will never change. I know it’s a pipe dream to live a life trouble free, but for Christians we have the ultimate environment for dealing with lire’s problems.

 

I talk to God all through the day.  I know some days he must think (not again) but he’s there. He listens. He waits for me. He knows me better than I know myself. He gives me strength and peace. He gives me hope and confidence. He shows me the path that will eventually allow me to reconnect with mom and dad in heaven. All my worries and fears will melt away. All my doubts will no longer linger. All my weakness will become strength never imagined. I also know that day will be so awesome I can never believe.

 

Even with all I have gone through and all I have become frustrated with will be gone. I will no longer talk to God defensively. He will tell me the truths I’ve longed to hear. He will share his son and spirit with me visibly. He will no longer say “not again” but rather “finally.”

 

All this is true and real but such a small glimpse of real spiritual life.

 

With all this I miss mom today, not the mom who had no focus beyond her immediate needs, but the mom who listened and encouraged me while caring for her parents, while working full time, and while living through her own struggles. I now just wish I could lean into her feeling her arms around me and her words comfort me. I miss her presence with me. I know God fills that need and surpasses the comfort of a mother but no one truly replaces your mother.

 

Lord, on this day of so many feelings. I ask for your new mercies this morning. I ask for your all-encompassing peace. I plead for your joy in my life. I beg for your care for my husband, son and daughter-in-law; and all my family and friends. People are afraid. People are hurting. People are struggling. I am struggling. I don’t think a believer ever gets to the summit of faith until we finally are with you in heaven’s realm. I know you sit beside me. I know you protect me. I know you love me. I know you are there for me 100% as well as for every other need for everyone who asks.

 

So, here I sit Lord. I am striving to be in your complete will for my life. I am trying to put my own thoughts aside. I am fighting for my life and the lives of those I love most. I am truly trying to let go of this world and grasp your hand and let you pull me out of all these mixed feelings.

 

Forgive my doubts and sins. Show me the way; I am aware of my need for you. Please hold me every second of my life.. Permit me the strength to keep fighting. Allow me to find some peace and joy in my days. Be with each person on my growing and changing prayer list. I will forever praise you and your divine power over my life.

In Christ’s name, Amen.

 

 

 

i am ok but it's time to educate people about Alzheimers Disease

Everyone keeps checking in to see if I’m okay. Is it weird that I am okay? I don’t think I’m too broken because I was already broken from the past years dealing with her health, mind, decline and so forth. I had already lost my mother. She wasn’t dead but she could no longer really communicate, respond or participate in life with me.

Yes, I miss her terribly but I have for quite some time. I did not have a mother for the last six years or so. She was already with Alzheimer when dad had his stroke. The decline sped up after dad died and the last couple years.

 

I read somewhere today that once you have Alzheimer you continue to decline until death. That’s exactly what happened. It’s a sad cruel disease. It sneaks up on you stealing little thoughts and memories. Then it begins to steal days and eventually people, even your own family and best friends. Then it removes your abilities to dress yourself, feed yourself and at some point interest in food is gone completely. What surprises many people, is why Alzheimer kills; it is the simple reason that the brain is the computer of a body. It tells the body how to move, the lungs to breathe, the tongue and throat how to chew and swallow and for heart to pump blood through the body. We take our bodies for granted. God is a masterful artist, scientist, designer, and creator.

If only God could tell us how to cure it. For years my family was terrified of cancer. They wouldn’t even say the word. Now, every time someone forgets something, they say, “It’s not that. I don’t have it.”  Sadly, one of mom’s two remaining sisters is following the same pattern. She can’t see it. She doesn’t want to start the medicine. She doesn’t want to think about it, if she can.

 

This is the many faces of Alzheimer.

       

                                        terror          dissatisfaction      manic               disinterested

 

 

Emotions change rapidly and caregiving takes love, patience and understanding. The caregiver goes through the same emotions as the afflicted. I don’t think I should share these photos but I must. People need to understand the horror of Alzheimers Disease.

How much can the human heart take?

Mom has barely been put to rest. I have barely caught my breath. Another loss, her brother passed this morning after a battle with brain cancer. Had his heart broken? Did he lose his spirit? Was he just tired like mom and no longer able to fight?

God knows all the answers. God has the peace. God has the love.
We must keep the faith.