Remembering Mom

 

Happy Birthday Mom! Ninety years! I only knew you 61. I have missed you for two. Fifteen actually, I began to lose you to Alzheimers when you were 75. I love you. I miss you daily. I talk to you constantly. I feel you guiding me and in my heart. I know heaven is wonderful. I know you and dad are happy together with all the rest of the saints from our family, friends and church members. I wish I was there. I guess I will just have to wait a while but I will see you some day.

I’m tired. I’m sick. I didn’t sleep. I guess I will just have to survive. I guess I will make it. If I can just get to Kiawah tomorrow. Yes, tomorrow. Two years ago, my week was cut short a day because mom was dying. Now I am. We all are this side of heaven. From the first breath, we are dying. We cannot slow it down or stop it even. We can make the most of it. We can learn and grow and create a life. We can go to school. We can work. We can fall in love. We can get married. We can start families. We can bury our loved ones. We can repeat this over and over. We can find joy and hope. We can find hurt and anger. We can know God and understand the importance in this life. We can ignore God and bury ourselves before we die. Life is short and if we don’t spend it doing good things for good people, we may never know the real purpose of life.

in rememberance of my mom Vember Quinn

Grief is a process

 

One more day never comes when you lose someone you love.

One more word is never heard except in your mind.

One more smile is not there except in a thought.

 

Lost, piece by piece, they leave us over a long time.

Last inhale and exhale takes years.

Forgotten memories never happen.

 

Grief cannot be hidden in a drawer and taken out when you choose.

Grief follows you around and taps on your heart at the oddest times.

Grief becomes part of your day to day life.

 

Bereavement is never finished.

Sorrow is a process that follows you to your final day.

Mourning is a new emotion you live with, some days easier than others.

God never leaves us alone

 

 

Three months and nearly two days ago, my mom died. It was an emotional release for us both. I was worn down from the constant worry, fear, on call, and dragged down from the eight years of caregiving from a distance. It was only 50 miles one way but I made so many per week. I made so many late night travels. I lost so much confidence, ability, strength, and energy. I found control issues, anger, and doubt I had no idea was so strong in my psyche. I learned so much about fortitude in mind, spiritual sustenance, and that tiny seed of faith. I got through days I thought would never end. I got through nights that were extremely tiring. I got through weak hope, failing spirit, and lost willpower.

 

I miss mom (and dad, 5 years in April). I don’t miss the pain and discomfort and trouble we all experienced on various levels of life’s journey. I don’t miss the late phone calls, the ER visits, the fears, the dread, and the feeling of carrying the whole load.

 

I still have all these traits in my life. I always did. I still have worries and fears. I still have doubt and anger. I see older couples living a life of busy service and pleasure. I see people doing all they want and enjoying it. I know folks are having worse times. I know families are in dire situations that will never change. I know it’s a pipe dream to live a life trouble free, but for Christians we have the ultimate environment for dealing with lire’s problems.

 

I talk to God all through the day.  I know some days he must think (not again) but he’s there. He listens. He waits for me. He knows me better than I know myself. He gives me strength and peace. He gives me hope and confidence. He shows me the path that will eventually allow me to reconnect with mom and dad in heaven. All my worries and fears will melt away. All my doubts will no longer linger. All my weakness will become strength never imagined. I also know that day will be so awesome I can never believe.

 

Even with all I have gone through and all I have become frustrated with will be gone. I will no longer talk to God defensively. He will tell me the truths I’ve longed to hear. He will share his son and spirit with me visibly. He will no longer say “not again” but rather “finally.”

 

All this is true and real but such a small glimpse of real spiritual life.

 

With all this I miss mom today, not the mom who had no focus beyond her immediate needs, but the mom who listened and encouraged me while caring for her parents, while working full time, and while living through her own struggles. I now just wish I could lean into her feeling her arms around me and her words comfort me. I miss her presence with me. I know God fills that need and surpasses the comfort of a mother but no one truly replaces your mother.

 

Lord, on this day of so many feelings. I ask for your new mercies this morning. I ask for your all-encompassing peace. I plead for your joy in my life. I beg for your care for my husband, son and daughter-in-law; and all my family and friends. People are afraid. People are hurting. People are struggling. I am struggling. I don’t think a believer ever gets to the summit of faith until we finally are with you in heaven’s realm. I know you sit beside me. I know you protect me. I know you love me. I know you are there for me 100% as well as for every other need for everyone who asks.

 

So, here I sit Lord. I am striving to be in your complete will for my life. I am trying to put my own thoughts aside. I am fighting for my life and the lives of those I love most. I am truly trying to let go of this world and grasp your hand and let you pull me out of all these mixed feelings.

 

Forgive my doubts and sins. Show me the way; I am aware of my need for you. Please hold me every second of my life.. Permit me the strength to keep fighting. Allow me to find some peace and joy in my days. Be with each person on my growing and changing prayer list. I will forever praise you and your divine power over my life.

In Christ’s name, Amen.

 

 

 

a Mother's light dims

My mother is dying. (We are from the first breath but by this I mean soon.) Mom is now receiving Hospice care at Carillon Assisted Living and Garden Place memory care. I pray this is good especially with me going to Kiawah for a week. I also pray that she doesn’t pass while I’m gone. I’m glad we have this opportunity. This will be good for me going into this last journey with mom. I may get the pre-respite I need for the long haul. Hospice comes in when the person seems to be within 6 months of death. I know this is inevitable. I’ve known it for some time. As I read the Hospice booklet of grief and the end, I now know that some of the things I’ve noticed were not imaginary. When she stares into space she may be seeing a glimpse of heaven, loved ones already there or the proverbial “white light.” I also know that some of her pained looks are the pains of the body shutting down. Her tears are sadness over uncertainty and leaving this world. The smiles are glimpses of the joys still found in this life and the beauty of heaven above.

 

Some may wonder why I did not cancel my trip. Well, only God knows when her last day will be. I do need to find some peace that can carry over to the end. I have also had so much pain and trouble and fear and anger over the past eight years caring for Dad and Mom. God knows what was, what is coming, and what will be. I trust that God. His grace is a gift I have received many times over. His mercy is fresh every day. His love is constant.

 

Mom has had a long life. She has had many wonderful blessings: a loving family (mother and father), two sisters and three brothers, a loving husband for nearly sixty years who preceded her in death, a daughter who cared for her well-being and happiness, and a grandson who adored her and numerous friends who wanted to be close. She worked hard in textiles to care for her family and put her daughter through college. Music was her other great love. She played by ear most of her life but took lessons in later years. She worked in her garden, rooting roses even. She received her high school diploma the same year she retired, a life-long goal.

A faithful believer, she prayed and recited the 23^rd Psalm daily. She taught Sunday school and sang in choirs. She attended women’s ministries. She supported her family with Christian teaching and advice. She was a listener, encourager, and adviser to many. When the light that is a mother dims, the daughter’s dims as well.

 

My beautiful Mother!

She is 88 today. She has Alzheimers. She is still very sweet and always happy to see me which is great comfort to me. She is on the Alz hall at Carillon (a wonderful memory care facility).

 

 

thanks for prayers: mom hasn't fallen in 4 1/2 days

fun with Mom

moms are....

 

mothers are grateful for their children and the opportunity to influence a life

October angels

 

my husband Terry, birthday pic

 

my mom, Vember 1st prize costume

honoring Mom