Abiding in power to keep on keeping on

Second day of January, a brand new year, a brand new challenge….ABIDING in God sounds so simple, especially with current circumstances but it is not.

I will not give up.

I will not quit.

I will not stop trusting.

I will not ignore.

I will not fail.

God is with me even when I don’t seek his presence. That is my comfort and that is my place of peace, joy, hope, love and faith.

the best gift

is Y O U

I asked for and received BE THE GIFT by Ann Voskamp. if you haven't discovered her, find he on the web now. She has awesome thoughts for you.

 

You can find your balance!

Year in Year out reflections

(cleaned out scraps and front of fridge)

 

 

Three hundred sixty five days ago, I would not be able to imagine I could have been here now. I was so tired, weary, and fearful. I had an unhappy son who was becoming more and more anxious and depressed. I had a mother deep in the throes of Alzheimers. I was feeling all the aging issues start to take over my entire body and life. Plus I was doing all the things you do as a wife and mother. Fill in the details.

 

Here on the edge of two thousand eighteen, I am in awe. I am amazed. I am curious. Yes, I am also a little apprehensive. I made through some tough stuff. I can make it through more but I do wonder what more must I endure? Have I even broken the surface of what I will have to withstand? My Sunday school class has three recent widows. They had children to spend Christmas with. They have lost grandchildren, parents and siblings but they say losing a spouse is harder. I fear this. My husband is truly part of my very soul. We are one. I’ve learned I’m strong but do I want to know how strong? No.

 

-=-=--

 

Also as I look at a way to make 2018 the best year yet, I consider all the clutter in life. My mind stays cluttered with fears and issues I just don’t know how to keep dealing with. My body is cluttered with foods I should not eat and habits I should not have. My soul is filled to the brim with all that happened to me and may happen to me. My home is too cluttered. I save too much. Even my digital files are spilling over.

 

It is time to let go of STUFF. I do not need half the stuff I own. I can’t wear all my clothes. I don’t use all the things I have. I can’t possibly live long enough to use all I have. My art has evolved to use all things in mixed media and that has certainly made me save too much. My husband is a hoarder as well so I’m afraid my son has a problem someday. It was difficult to clean out my parent’s house. I’m ashamed to say we own two full houses and two barns too.

 

Therefore, I must turn to my word for the year—abide. I must abide in Christ and Him in me. I must allow him to handle my stuff and help me start letting go of stuff. I must allow God to clean my crevices, physical and spiritual. I must turn to God to be my life coach, only he can truly make my life space tidy.

year end reflections

 

Two days left this year. Overall, it was not a bad year despite losing mom. She was not happy or content. Now she is. I was not happy or content. Now I am. I am still trying to find a new normal, a new routine, and a new reason for living. I have not found the extra time I thought I may have. I do get to stay home more. I don’t get late day calls and have to go to the ER. BUT I don’t sleep, relax or find much more peace.

More peace I need. I am learning the basics. No matter the situation, peace must come from within. If the spirit of God lives within the soul then peace should reside there as well. Life is what we make it. This is another reason I have chosen abide as my focus for the new year.  I will abide in God and he will abide in me. Fear cannot abide where faith in God is. Brokenness cannot coexist within a heart that believes in God. Anger cannot be part of the same spirit that worships the Lord. Despair cannot live in a Christian.

 

All this pre-focus rhetoric always seems simple in its thinking. I never totally master the focus but I do become aware of where I need work. I always need work. I always find where I need to practice. The day I feel I have mastered an ideal then I surely must be in heaven, right?

We have this treasure in clay jars (2 Corinthians 4:7). God fills us with all we need to live a productive, healthy, happy, and spiritual life. He gives us the Holy Spirit to reside within our soul, Jesus Christ to live in our heart, and God the Father to guide our life to Eternity. He gave up his only son to die for our sins. He shares his Spirit with us to help us make right choices. He, himself, blesses us daily with everything we need. I said need not want. No one should have everything wanted because God knows our needs. He does give us many wants but he knows that everything we want may not necessarily be good for us. Our eyes are often bigger than our belly and bigger than our necessities.

 

We also are the treasure in the vessel as well as the vessel itself. If I have God inside, that is the greatest treasure of all, even greater than gold, frankincense, and myrrh. God sees us as his treasure and we must live up to that by following his commands and living a holy and sacred life.

 

=-==-=-

 

Sad shows make me cry.

Sad stories make me feel so blessed.

Sad lives make me cry.

Sad situations make me realize I am fortunate.

 

Wisdom from hurting people encourages me.

Lessons from people who learned the hard way give me hope.

I have not had a bad life.

Some days and years have been harder than others but my life is charmed compared to some.

When Terry and I got married, I felt like a princess living a fairy tale. I felt so perfectly happy. I did have some nerve issues but it wasn’t so bad. Then Terry’s mom died unexpectedly and I felt the spell of good fortune was over. His dad started to have health problems. He died the day after Christmas. Then Matthew had nerve issues but I thought it was just childhood woes of having me home all the time.  He would surely outgrow it.

He did I thought. He finished school and got a job, moved off, and had a productive life.

 

My dad had a stroke. Mom was showing signs of dementia. Matthew moved closer. Dad died. Mom was worse. She lived with us. She lived in dementia care. Matthew’s nerve issues worsened. He became anxious and depressed. Then mom died. Terry was so upset he hasn’t had his Fernwood dream come true.

 

All this makes me sad. It makes me cry. I also know that my life is still blessed. I have a wonderful family. I have a 2 homes and 3 vehicles all paid for. I have a reasonably healthy body. I don’t have any serious health issues. Nor does my husband. I have enough of everything. I want for nothing.

 

I am warm. I am clothed. I am fed. I am safe. I am loved. I am a Christian.

When do I stop whining? When do I stop begging? When do I realize life is damn good? I must be grateful! I must be content!

Looking forward

Slept fitfully again. Little done today. Trying to just stay semi organized, straightened up, and calm. Got very nervous first thing this morning. Terry’s gone to Fernwood and Matthew and Molly may or may not be heading to Dillard Georgia for a two night anniversary trip. I know it was Satan putting doubt in my mind. He does that too often. I also found myself worried that something was going to happen. I prayed Jesus blood on them and fought the demons off. I must find a way to never allow Satan’s doubts and fears to rob me a single moment’s joy. He wants nothing but bad for me. He is the only one who can take my spirit from me and rob my soul of the life Jesus wants me to have. Lord, I will trust you and your divine power over me and my family. You are my hope for all things. I will not let the enemy ambush me. You will not let the enemy trap me.

 

Today is a new day. Every minute is a new opportunity to abide in Christ and to allow God to be the only force in my life that rules. I will fight to maintain the holy spirit in every sinew of my being. I cannot live any kind of happiness while simultaneously letting Satan take charge. He only has his own interest in mind. There is no hope other than through God. This I vow, I promise to trust God, abide in his love and live by his commands.

 

Life sorts itself out through God’s word. I will read it, live it, and believe every word of it for my remaining days. I have wasted too much time I can never recover. Life is uncertain to us. We are to trust God for his daily mercies and appreciate all we have as abundant blessings undeserved. Mercifully, we receive and gratefully we must share. Giving from our abundance is God’s reason for giving us much.

 

I am reading Ann Voskamp’s Be the Gift. She expresses so much of what I feel and need to do. I just finished reading Liz Gilbert’s Big Magic. She pointed out the inner critic’s voice and how it can kill our creative value. That critic is Satan in my mind. I will only listen to God and the good he has to tell me and direct me.

Another valuable lesson came from Max Lucado’s Anxious for Nothing. I must let God be my center and my answer in every situation. God wants only good for me.

 

Lord, Matthew and molly are heading on their trip. Keep them safe. Keep them well. Keep them happy. Take care of Terry and help him get healthier and strong. Take care of me and help me get strong and healthy too. help Lisa heal from her surgeries. Give her and Stacey understanding hearts to accept Matthew’s words heal a relationship for a lifetime. I also ask your blessings and strength for a country of Christians, a world of Christians who can lead us into a better light. Help everyone realize that YOU are ALL our country needs for better days. Heal our church and unite us to be serving you and your commands, not men. In Christ’s name Amen.

 

All of 2017, I focused on determination. I was determined to get through whatever came my way. I have thus far. I have four days left. I pray for God’s continued assistance. I made it through things I thought never possible.

1.      Mom’s health and death

2.      Matthew’s depression and anxiety

3.      Terry’s unhappiness about lost goals

4.      Molly’s family’s needs

5.      My own attempt to make some kind of difference and support through my art

 

I have been blessed more than I could ever ask. I have been able to bless others. I have found determination to be my friend. It has shown me inner strength. It has taught my perseverance. It has given me grace from God.

 

I have chosen my word for 2018. ABIDE. I will abide in Christ and his will for my life. He will abide in me and guide my way. By staying his will and presence, I can find a life of true belief and understanding. So often we grow up thinking life is about me, me, me but it is not. Life is about everyone. Life is about knowing God and witnessing to others, bringing them to Christ. Life is for sharing our resources and love and kindness. Life is for living in a compassionate way that helps others learn what their own life mission is.

 

God gave me creativity and a joy for utilizing it to lift me and others. By sharing my cards, words, and images I make people smile, feel favored, and know they are remembered. That’s all people really want or need. True, they often seem to want money, fame, and possessions but that is not what they need and deep down they know too. People like to hear their name and know they are being heard. Folks want to know that what they say and do matters to someone. We all want to know that we are here for a purpose. This is accomplished if we each take time to listen, appreciate, and show gratitude and empathy.

 

Goodness comes from and through God.

Hope grows by trusting and believing in God.

Faith expands through studying God’s word and sharing it.

Love spreads through a hurting world by saying it and showing it.

Peace heals that same hurting world when we maintain it.

 

 ...so as I walk into 2018…I will abide in a God who never fails me, a Christ who always loves me, and a Holy Spirit who never leaves my heart.

 

Blessed by Answered Prayers

 

I am blessed beyond measure.

It has nothing to do with money, possessions or places but rather people, time together, love, and GOD’s awesomeness. He loves us, protects us, saves us, guides us and makes us. We are nothing without him. We are everything with him.  He wants us to be safe, happy, strong and healthy IF we allow it. He reaches us through heart, soul and spirit. We learn of him through scripture, prayer and study. If we pay attention, we see him in the sunrise. We feel him through an ocean breeze. We hear him in a baby’s soft cry. We taste him in summer’s first fruits. We smell him in the blossoms of an apple tree.

 

This Christmas was a challenge. Mom was gone barely two months, Dad, nearly five years. I missed them but I also knew there would be no calls of distress, falls, or illness. I also knew there would be no confusion and tears. I took no photos of a woman who didn’t know how to smile easily. I did not have to invent a way to make the day special for her.

 

My son and daughter-in-law planned to stay a night with us. What a wonderful time to have them with us! My son was sick with some kind of flu. Christmas Eve he felt worse. I tried to go ahead with plans but I wanted no illness this year. I wanted no fear. I wanted no sadness. I know it was Satan attacking us. I know he was trying to steal my spirit. He was attempting to take our hopes and joy. Satan lost. I prayed off and on all day and by Christmas morning, I was seeing his speedy answers. We spent much valuable time together. We were blessed. We found so much to celebrate. Praise God! Thanks be to Jesus! Blessed by the Holy Spirit!

 

As usual, I received more than I deserved. I gave the best I could to those I love. I tried to express my appreciation for my family’s love. I tried to share with the less fortunate. I rested. I relaxed. I kept things simple. I allowed God to guide, care and love us.  I so needed a quiet calm holiday. It was. I so wanted a joyful time with those I love. I did. I so desired to have time at home sharing meals with my husband, son, and daughter-in-law. I did. How do I ever express enough gratitude? To them? To God?

 

I am blessed beyond measure.

 

-=-=-=-

 

I walk quietly and seek God.

He speaks softly to my needy spirit.

I pray simple requests and wait.

He answers in his perfect time.

I thank him humbly for his good gifts.

He is pleased with the gracious gratitude.

 

-=-=-=-

 

This day through 2018, I will abide in God today and every day for the rest of my life. I will accept his blessings, understand his discipline, and thank him daily. I will share his blessings. I will ready his word. I will share his word. I will learn his truths and apply them. I will trust his promises. I will abide in him.

 

Abide in me and I in you. John 15:4

Christmas Past

husband Terry, his dad Harry, my Mom (Vember) with Dad (Lee) and son Matthew

Winter Solstice Christmas Thoughts

Christmas is here. How do we slow time to enjoy the quiet, the music, the family and the hope of a better world? How do we allow God to guide our thoughts, actions and beliefs? How do we choose to live the life God gives us, as long as he gives us and as strongly as he makes us?  When do we realize the childhood magic of Christmas becomes the adulthood true meaning of Christmas? God is ready when we are.

 

God’s word guides our path.

Prayer lets us talk with him.                                                                                                                     

Faith keeps us focused.

Hope gives us strength.

Grace is His gift to us.

Mercy is a bonus.                                                                                                                                                    

Gratitude is gift to Him.

 

Christmas, the date, is a singular gift that lasts a whole year.

Christmas, the word, is a manmade term that teaches a simple definition.

Christmas, the season, is a commercial invention to increase bottom lines.

Christmas, the truth, is what the world needs.

more memories of Mom and Dad

64 years ago today Lee and Vember Quinn united in marriage to love and support each other. Dad was finishing up in the army and had to go back for a few weeks and Mom lived at his parent’s house. That had to be tough. They lived in the same neighborhood and grew up near each other even though Dad was four years younger than Mom. The story is that he ran up on the playground and hugged and/or kissed her embarrassing her but they did end up together.

 

Mom knew Dad’s cousin Dot Radford and when Dad went into the army, she asked Mom if he could write to her. Since this was in the fifties, Mom asked her Mom if that sounded okay. Of course she said yes. When Dad was in on leave they dated and the rest is history.

 

They married in Gaffney SC which was so popular and easy back then. Little preparation except choosing the clothes. Mom was working in the textile mill and probably spent a paycheck to buy her blue suit trimmed in black with matching shoes and bag. (Maybe that’s why she always liked matching shoes and bags. She had so many. Even a pair of clear ones like Cinderella, but that’s another story.) I think Dad wore a Sunday suit. Maybe gray. Can’t tell from the black and white pictures.

 

When Dad got out of the army, they took a day trip (maybe, I’m not sure) to the mountains. Soon they moved into a small house in Sandy Mush. They lived in another house there and started their family. ME! They moved into a nice little house owned by the Waters. I remember that house. It had a pantry. I had a swing set in the back but was afraid to go out there alone. The tops on the chimney turned and squeaked.

 

When I was five they moved to a new house in Caroleen on Westmore Drive. It was a nice home but not extravagant.

I lived there until I was twenty four. They gave me a wonderful life. I had no siblings since I was born by Caesarean. Then multiple births were not recommended after Caesareans. (another story there later) They took good care of me and gave me everything I needed but not everything I wanted. Many thought I was spoiled. I was but with love.

 

Mom and Dad and my family celebrated their 50^th wedding anniversary and had a lovely meal, cake, vows, candles and a photo for the paper. As they matured, celebrations became simpler and always keeping their needs intact.

 

Dad had a stroke in 2009 and things changed drastically but love and patience and mostly God we got through it all. He died at 80 years old in 2013. He was missed greatly. Mom was increasing in dementia woes and only missed him for about a year before she seemed to forget him. She lived with me and then in assisted care. We lost her this year (October 20). This is our first Christmas with them both gone. It will be different but they are together now. How lovely to think about.

 

so happy and so unaware of how soon their life will change

Why does age come and steal our hopes and dreams? Why does health fail? Why can’t good people live forever? Would they want to, especially in this day and time? By the way these red cups held soft drinks or tea. It was a church group gathering.

 

Heavenly Anniversary

    

Today is mom and dad’s 64^th wedding anniversary. They loved and cared for each other in every situation life threw at them. I regale that they are together in heaven with the Lord and celebrating Christmas with the original cast of characters. This is not a flip comment. This is an awesome opportunity and reality. I can’t wait to be there with them and celebrate every day, worship every day, and see prayers answered every day. Life is pretty amazing. The Hereafter is going to be incredible.

 

I challenge you

Yesterday was a pleasant day. I found true Christmas joy.  A funny man in a Santa beard and hat sang very badly I SAW MOMMY KISSING SANTA CLAUS while ringing a bell for Salvation Army. A couple dressed in Hawaiian shirts shared Mele Kalikimaka and rang their bells for Salvation Army. I dropped off goodies at Carillon Assisted Living and visited some folks needing a lift. I was lifted more. I visited Terry’s aunt, in the bed worn out from the previous day’s doctor appointment. I saw shoppers at Walmart with buggies full of toys and food they probably couldn’t afford trying to make a Merry Christmas for their family. I saw a woman in a motorized chair crossing a busy intersection at that same Walmart.

 

Every year I want a simple Christmas, a true Christmas, with joy and love and peace and harmony. Every year I get too much. Every year I buy too much, not as much as once but still too much. I give to charities and food banks and toy drives but it’s just not enough. I watch wonderful Christmas movies with wholesome stories. I listen to Christmas music. I send Christmas cards I hand make and print myself. It’s still not enough.

 

I want to have a Christmas like it is meant to be. I want to truly celebrate Jesus’ birth. I want to have peace and joy in my heart and extend it to everyone else. I want to spend time with family and friends harboring no ill against anyone. I want to feel the simple bliss of God’s presence. I want to not put myself above anyone or anything.

 

This year for the first time my husband and I both are orphans. Our parents are in heaven. They will rejoice with God and the angels and all the other friends and family there. We will have our time together with our son and his wife. It will be sweet and quiet. We will exchange gifts, watch a Christmas movie or two, and share our meals.

 

We will pray and be earnest in our heart that everyone has a day with no illness, hunger, fear or need. Christmas will pass and lives will move forward in routine and thought. Will we carry the Christmas spirit into the New Year? Will we continue to share our bounty? Will we forget to smile and say a kind greeting? Will we forget to extend our faith and blessings? Will we give selflessly to all? Will we worship and pray? Will we remember how important a faith based life is to a world hurting?

 

I challenge you to think on this. Don’t let another 365 days go by without a thought of Peace on Earth.

God is our everything!

He is our answer to all things.

He is our hope in every day matters.

He is our peace in trouble.

He is our joy in times of sadness.

He is our blessing when things seem bleak.

He is our grace when none seems available.

He is our mercy when we need it most.

He is our path when lost.                                           

He is our abundance when scarcity is present.

He is our answer in all things.

a Christmas prayer

Lord,

Clear my mind except with your good things—faith, hope and love.

Focus my eyes on your creation, your mission and my part in it.

Place in my mouth your truth, message and words of encouragement to share with all.

Enter my heart and fill it with all your blessings of grace that I may serve others.

Strengthen my faith so that I can share with those who don’t know you.

Give my arms the power to lift up your word.

Give my feet the path you want me to travel for your cause.

Keep my hands open not to receive but to extend to others in need.

This is only a beginning but I feel if I do this I can find the place I should be at this stage of my life.

In Christ’s name, Amen.

Years of Happy

 

Christmas approaches rapidly. I have the small stuff left to do…but I feel the crunch…BUT I want to enjoy this time of year that has always been sacred, joyful, and magical all at the same time. I am missing mom and dad and I will on Christmas. It will be real then. They are gone but they are in the ultimate place of joy, holy and peace (above earth). Maybe not above, but just beside us in a totally different realm. They will be with me. They will be in my heart. They will be in our spirit. I will honor them with thought and memories of all the wonderful ones we shared.

·         The year I wanted a monkey and dump truck

·         The year I remember the tree at my Grandma Fannie’s with all the tinsel

·         The year mom and I sat in the car waiting for dad to lock up before going to church, I knew he was sneaking mom’s barstools in from the front porch and she knew he was slipping in my TV

·         The year we left the color wheel turning on the silver tree and it stuck and melted while at church

·         The year dad and I went to his grandpa Felix (my great grandpa) to get aunt Kat’s door prize and brought her back to get ours (about 4 in the morning)

·         That same year I had a tape recorder and have my great grandpa’s voice on it, years later my dad wanted to hear it again; I found a place online in Pennsylvania who was able to put that old reel to reel on a CD, best gift I ever gave my dad, cost me $100 and it was worth every penny

·         The first year Terry and I were married

·         The first Christmas with Matthew

·         The year Matthew got his first bike

·         The year he didn’t like the idea of a birthday cake for Jesus, because he thought it was like eating Jesus

·         They first Christmas with Matthew and Molly

 

These are only a few memories of so many wonderful ones. I continue to be blessed to have people I love with me each Christmas. Recognizing the true spirit of Christmas, celebrating Christ’s birth, being with loved ones and sharing good food and time with each other.

 

I admit I still look for a perfect Christmas movie Christmas but the truth is I have had many of them.

 

 

 

Believe in the meaning of Christmas!

Spread the word

a star led them

they followed a star

brightly shining in the night

leading to a family of three

where love was born and

peace was found

Determined

Each year for about a dozen years, I have chosen a focus word rather than resolutions. I choose something I need to work on, something I’m weak in, or something I am led to which can help me grow. I have chosen faith, prayer, thankful, resilient, hope, joy, and clarify, to name a few. Strangely, near year’s end, I start seeing a particular word here and there and everywhere. It never fails. I am led to the word.

 

For 2017 I chose determined.  As I study and research and practice these words, I seek quotes about it that teach me something. I look for Bible verses and devotions that fit the word and also enlighten me. I have never felt extremely strong to deal with challenges and problems but the past several years have proved me wrong. This year has maybe been my hardest. It always seems to be the current situation that is worse but dealing with mom and her final stage of Alzheimers was very difficult.  The year is nearly over. Mom is gone. I began with the “determination” to make it through. With a few weeks left, I have learned I can be a determined woman who is stronger than she realized. I can deal with situations I once thought would break me. Actually thought they could finish me.

 

Since a child I have had a nervous stomach. Since the eighties, I have dealt with IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), the D kind. Diarrhea to be honest. In the beginning I lost lots of weight from not eating much. Someone asked me if I did Weight Watchers. I told them I had IBS. They understood. I take medication for the IBS, as well as some nerve and depression meds to keep my system calm. I often know how to head off situations by controlling what I eat and when. The weight came back unfortunately, mostly due to menopause, thyroid and age. Well, maybe this is TMI but I felt the urge to share more of my truth here. My truth can help others deal with their own truth.

 

Back to my word, determination, I have been extra determined as of late to be strong, spiritually, physically and mentally. Getting through the long hard years, taking care of mom and dad, has proven it. There were days I really thought I would not make it. With determination and God’s grace and mercy, I did. There will be more challenges. Life is full of them. God will see me through.

Psalm 91:11

Christmas Beckons as Fall subsides

Acorns tap dance on the neighbor’s tin roof

Leaves of red and gold waltz against a blue sky

Autumn’s dance contest is always a winner

 

Bon fire smoke drifts through the air

Pumpkin pie spice is everywhere

Autumn scents create wondrous perfumery

 

Crows caucus in the nearby field

Mocking birds mimic the current hits

Autumn jingles serenade waiting fans

 

Hope’s lullaby gives comfort to loss

Faith’s sonnet lends contentment to mourners

Autumn concludes a season of grief

a prayer

Use me Lord.

Give me your guidance.

Show me what I do wrong, gently.

Help me know what you expect of me.

Bless my life and family to be together for a long time.

Create a purpose for me to live out my days.

Allow me to bless others and inspire a better world.

Amen.

 

 

 

latest ART blessing

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Begin with a grateful heart

Every day should be a ThanksLiving day. We should never stop counting our blessings. We should never stop showing our gratefulness. We should never forget our Gratitude Attitude. I have so many things to give thanks for. I forget sometimes. I fail to take the time. I find myself ignoring the fact that I am fortunate. I really want to be grateful in Much and grateful in Little. I want to be happy with what I have. I want to be content. I want to want what I have and ignore what I don’t need. I will find a way to be all God wants me to be. I want to share my blessings. I want to help others realize their blessings. Using the word I is overdone but it sure does make sense when trying to improve myself.

 

Twenty-four days till Christmas.

Thirty days till a brand new year.

Three hundred and ninety-five days to work harder for the Lord, to give of yourself to others, and to be closer to your Maker. It’s time to realize that in my life. It’s time for the world to realize this. It’s time to have a strong voice. If we as Christians don’t speak up now it will be too late for so many. It is overwhelming to realize how many people do not know God, believe there is a God. I really want to see a world centered in Christ living faith based lives. If you look at any news source you hear about all the horrible things people do to each other. This is not the world God created. He created a world of balanced beauty. He gave us amazing things to see, experience and enjoy. Gradually, the enemy is trying to trick people into ignoring, forgetting and destroying this gift. I challenge you to pray harder, believe stronger, and do what God intended. Live for Christ. Lead someone to Christ. Believe in the power of Christ’s love.

grief is different for everyone

I miss mom and feel like she’s up the road at Carillon or home. She is home but not in Caroleen. She’s in heaven, her real home, her place of eternal rest, peace, joy, worship and praise. I don’t have to worry about her. Missing her is easier for me than all the worry I had over her. As stated so many times I grieved long before the day she died. I grieved even before she developed Alzheimers.  I grieved every time she worried over family drama and situations. I grieved every time she lost joy to those same situations. I grieved every time she lost her temper at what she thought others were thinking and saying about family members. I grieved every time she was sick or hurt. I grieved every time she let life circumstances rob her of peace. I grieved when I learned she and dad still had financial issues in their later years. I grieved when she did show first signs of dementia. I grieved when she couldn’t remember what we just discussed. I grieved when she couldn’t use the phone. I grieved when she didn’t know her own reflection and became angry at someone wearing her clothes. I grieved when she could no longer call my name. I grieved when she could no longer control her thoughts and emotions. I grieved when she could no longer eat solid food. I grieved when she could no longer feed herself. I grieved when she no longer had any enjoyment in life except for a brief moment when she first saw me come in.

 

So, you see, I have grieved lots for years. I am out of grief. My tears have dried up. My pain has subsided. My loss is over. She’s in heaven with dad, her parents, siblings, and God. Yes, I will miss her till I’m there too but I will no longer grieve. She is where she should be.