it surprises me I guess but I think I’m still grieving. I’m
really not grieving with harsh life altering melancholy but quietly and
steadily. I am not sure what I should do other than give it time. I grieved the
hard sobbing kind of grief while mom and dad declined in health all the years
I know that no two people grieve
the same. There are as many styles of grief as there are people and deaths.
When Terry lost his parents, it was two different situations entirely. His
mother died suddenly and he was in shock but I did everything I could to
comfort and support him. (For me it was a reality check and end to a magical
charmed fairy tale life.) His dad was sick for several years. There were many
trips to the ER. Trips to see him at nursing home. A final trip to the hospital
when he died. His dad had enough money to take care of things before, during
and after. He did not worryabout bills,
caregiving or anything really. Matthew and I visited mid-week so he didn’t have
to do so and work too. We tried to care for him at our house and it did not
work well. He went back to the nursing home. All this with his dad while taking
care of Matthew, potting training him, and trying to maintain some kind of home
With Dad I went back and forth
for nearly five years before he died, often going to Asheville or the ER or the
doctor, often staying overnight, at the same time dealing with mom’s increasing
dementia. When he died I still had mom to deal with plus her increase of health
and mind issues I continued to make numerous trips. We tried the nursing home,
our house and assisted dementia care which was obvious. She failed steadily. I
continued to travel, miss sleep, change plans and continue to maintain some
kind of home responsibilities.
Now, I’m facing a new normal. I
have not figured out what that is yet. I don’t know what I should do each day.
I don’t know what plans to make. I try to follow my schedule of getting the
necessary things done but it doesn’t feel like enough. I have many people trying
to maintain contact, checking on me, offering distractions, and prayer to show
concern.I don’t know what I need other
than time, sleep, rest, time for art and prayer to help me recover what time I
Retired from jobs but not life,
still, I maintain some kind of home responsibilities. I maintain commitments. I
maintain relationships. I maintain living. However, my cell phone rings and I
lurch before realizing it can’t be about mom. I get up in the morning and wonder
what I have to do today. Since I don’t have to see about Mom and Dad other than
I am still trying to settle mom’s small estate. I also am aware of all the
things and people neglected while taking care of them. I can never regain all
that was lost then. I don’t know if people realize that. I also don’t know if I
can even begin to make it up in the time I have left.
This is how I’m grieving. Does
anyone get it? I doubt it. Does anyone else grieve this way? Maybe. This is how
I’m grieving. It should not necessarily keep me from sleeping but it does. It
should not keep me from functioning but it does some days. It should not keep
me stalled in my life but it is. This is how I’m grieving. I know all this
affects my family and friends but this is how I’m grieving and I have to give
it the time needed. I will be better. I will recover. I will figure it out or
maybe I won’t. This is how I’m grieving.
I shut out the world’s noise, listen and hear God’s gentle
voice speak comfort to my spirit.
I forget the pain and fear and feel an embrace from the Holy
I leave my memories of illness and death’s door and breathe
in the sweet birth of a new spring, a new start.
I disregard the intoxicating taste of chocolate and taste
the summer fruit of abundant blessings.
I want to wake everyday with these uplifting thoughts. They
are always there I just need to recognize them. I must halt in the midst of any
dread and just observe. I must feel them, see them, taste them, hear them and
sense them. It sounds simple doesn’t it? Well, it’s not. It takes effort, only
minimal. It’s a habit that can be acquired with little practice. It’s a skill
the world needs desperately. The world is too full of itself. It needs an open
heart, a willing spirit, and a hopeful mind and soul. Every single day God
gives us beauty to appreciate; sounds to treasure; and more grace than
deserved. He wants to give it to each of us in great abundance. We must simple
accept it. We must share it. We must allow Him to come into life and takeover.
Life would be so extremely easy if we would just say, “God, here I am. Here’s
my life. Take it. It’s yours anyway. It needs your touch.” The moment we can do
this, life will forever be more magnificent than we can ever imagine.
Easter is on the horizon. Lent begins today along with this
special day of showing love to those we adore. There is no need to give up
things like chocolate and coffee. We only need to give up our hand in our own
lives. Let God in. Thank him for the gift of His Son. Listen to His Holy
Spirit. Live by His commands. Believe His mission. Be His hands in a needy land
in your own back yard. Be His voice to a lost lamb. Be His strength to a weak
soul. Be His love to a broken heart.
Revisiting a guided journey through Sarah Ban
Breathnach’s Simple Abundance Companion. I’ve read several of her books over the
years. They give you a fresh perspective on the good in life, the simplest
being the good. There’s a page in it for a master list of blessings. I pulled
out the gratitude journal I’ve kept since 2004. It took the entire page
provided plus four more to list them and that was without repeating too many. My
life is indeed blessed. I have had many trials and challenges but there have
always been mixed blessings throughout. It is my hope that I can continue to
find blessings in the remaining years even though perfection is not expected.