Monday, February 19, 2018

be in the moment

 
 
There comes a defining moment
When the soul settles
The heart slows
The mind concentrates
The spirit waits
And life starts over.

Sunday, February 18, 2018

still grieving I guess

 
 

it surprises me I guess but I think I’m still grieving. I’m really not grieving with harsh life altering melancholy but quietly and steadily. I am not sure what I should do other than give it time. I grieved the hard sobbing kind of grief while mom and dad declined in health all the years earlier.
 
I know that no two people grieve the same. There are as many styles of grief as there are people and deaths. When Terry lost his parents, it was two different situations entirely. His mother died suddenly and he was in shock but I did everything I could to comfort and support him. (For me it was a reality check and end to a magical charmed fairy tale life.) His dad was sick for several years. There were many trips to the ER. Trips to see him at nursing home. A final trip to the hospital when he died. His dad had enough money to take care of things before, during and after. He did not worry  about bills, caregiving or anything really. Matthew and I visited mid-week so he didn’t have to do so and work too. We tried to care for him at our house and it did not work well. He went back to the nursing home. All this with his dad while taking care of Matthew, potting training him, and trying to maintain some kind of home responsibilities.
 
With Dad I went back and forth for nearly five years before he died, often going to Asheville or the ER or the doctor, often staying overnight, at the same time dealing with mom’s increasing dementia. When he died I still had mom to deal with plus her increase of health and mind issues I continued to make numerous trips. We tried the nursing home, our house and assisted dementia care which was obvious. She failed steadily. I continued to travel, miss sleep, change plans and continue to maintain some kind of home responsibilities.
 
Now, I’m facing a new normal. I have not figured out what that is yet. I don’t know what I should do each day. I don’t know what plans to make. I try to follow my schedule of getting the necessary things done but it doesn’t feel like enough. I have many people trying to maintain contact, checking on me, offering distractions, and prayer to show concern.  I don’t know what I need other than time, sleep, rest, time for art and prayer to help me recover what time I have left.
 
Retired from jobs but not life, still, I maintain some kind of home responsibilities. I maintain commitments. I maintain relationships. I maintain living. However, my cell phone rings and I lurch before realizing it can’t be about mom. I get up in the morning and wonder what I have to do today. Since I don’t have to see about Mom and Dad other than I am still trying to settle mom’s small estate. I also am aware of all the things and people neglected while taking care of them. I can never regain all that was lost then. I don’t know if people realize that. I also don’t know if I can even begin to make it up in the time I have left.
 
This is how I’m grieving. Does anyone get it? I doubt it. Does anyone else grieve this way? Maybe. This is how I’m grieving. It should not necessarily keep me from sleeping but it does. It should not keep me from functioning but it does some days. It should not keep me stalled in my life but it is. This is how I’m grieving. I know all this affects my family and friends but this is how I’m grieving and I have to give it the time needed. I will be better. I will recover. I will figure it out or maybe I won’t. This is how I’m grieving.

 

Saturday, February 17, 2018

look within


Gray skies
Blue spirit
Blue skies
Gray spirit
Sunshine blessings
Stormy thoughts
Sadness creeps in
Joy slips out
Where are the answers
In God alone
 
 

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Give and Take: an important message for Valentines Day

 
 

I close my eyes and see all the good in my life.

I shut out the world’s noise, listen and hear God’s gentle voice speak comfort to my spirit.

I forget the pain and fear and feel an embrace from the Holy Spirit.

I leave my memories of illness and death’s door and breathe in the sweet birth of a new spring, a new start.

I disregard the intoxicating taste of chocolate and taste the summer fruit of abundant blessings.

 

I want to wake everyday with these uplifting thoughts. They are always there I just need to recognize them. I must halt in the midst of any dread and just observe. I must feel them, see them, taste them, hear them and sense them. It sounds simple doesn’t it? Well, it’s not. It takes effort, only minimal. It’s a habit that can be acquired with little practice. It’s a skill the world needs desperately. The world is too full of itself. It needs an open heart, a willing spirit, and a hopeful mind and soul. Every single day God gives us beauty to appreciate; sounds to treasure; and more grace than deserved. He wants to give it to each of us in great abundance. We must simple accept it. We must share it. We must allow Him to come into life and takeover. Life would be so extremely easy if we would just say, “God, here I am. Here’s my life. Take it. It’s yours anyway. It needs your touch.” The moment we can do this, life will forever be more magnificent than we can ever imagine.

 

Easter is on the horizon. Lent begins today along with this special day of showing love to those we adore. There is no need to give up things like chocolate and coffee. We only need to give up our hand in our own lives. Let God in. Thank him for the gift of His Son. Listen to His Holy Spirit. Live by His commands. Believe His mission. Be His hands in a needy land in your own back yard. Be His voice to a lost lamb. Be His strength to a weak soul. Be His love to a broken heart.

Saturday, February 10, 2018

a look back at Gratitude




Revisiting a guided journey through Sarah Ban Breathnach’s Simple Abundance Companion. I’ve read several of her books over the years. They give you a fresh perspective on the good in life, the simplest being the good. There’s a page in it for a master list of blessings. I pulled out the gratitude journal I’ve kept since 2004. It took the entire page provided plus four more to list them and that was without repeating too many. My life is indeed blessed. I have had many trials and challenges but there have always been mixed blessings throughout. It is my hope that I can continue to find blessings in the remaining years even though perfection is not expected.