Monday, April 22, 2013

break out of the misery and find the joy

A broken spirit flails its wings.

A fragmented soul loses its power.

A damaged heart can never beat in rhythm.

A beaten body flounders in heavy waves.

I am that defeated one.

Where is your spirit Lord?

Why have you left me here alone?

Did I walk away from you?

Will you hold me a little longer?

When is my time oh Lord?

A saddened heart stares at a gray sky.

A bleeding soul waits for healing.

A crushed spirit desires to be whole.

A lonely figure wanders in darkness.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Life is so much difficulty.

Life is so much aggravation.

Life is so much confusion.

Life is so much anger.

Life is so much annoyance.

Life is so much disappointment.

Life is so much dissatisfaction.

Life is so much trouble.

Why are we here?

What is the purpose of life?

Why are we born to die?

What is the determining factor of how long we live?

Why are some lives cut short?

Lord, in your mercy,

When will you stop corruption?

Why do you let good people suffer?

How can you watch your creation deteriorate?

What more can you allow your people to endure?

Who can persuade you to hear our cries for your mercy?

Where will it all end?

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Is God Listent?

So how do I know.

I can’t hear you.

Maybe if I’m quiet and really concentrate,

I will hear you in the birds’ songs, the wind through the trees and a child’s laughter.

I can’t see you.

Maybe if I look really closely

I will see you in a loved one’s smile, a bright wild flower, and the ocean horizon.

I can’t feel you.

Maybe if I try really hard,

I will feel in a warm hug, the rain on my face, and a good meal in my tummy.

I can’t understand you.

Maybe if I want to,

I will understand you through your word, the sweet melody of a song, or the satisfaction of quiet time with you.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

go lightly

lightlyI need to go lightly into the day.

I need to pray and read my scripture first again.

I want to listen to music and calm my nerves.

I want to watch movies and escape into another life.

I want to have a real getaway without phone calls, fears, worries or interruptions.


Monday, April 15, 2013

who's counting?

In 2012 from May to December I wrote 233 pages and 127,181 words.

In January I wrote 23 pages and 10,822 words.

In February I wrote 26 pages and 12,298 words.

In March I wrote 29 pages and 15, 472 words.
How many of those words are repeated over and over and over and considered whining?

Am I too self absorbed?

When is it okay to be self-centered?

I decided the answer is this:
You may be self-centered the first year of your life and the final year of your life? Anyone have any other thoughts, I love to hear them.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

finding answers and personal truth

Why can’t things be simple, efficient, and easy?
When I am old and in a nursing home I hope to still be engaged in life.

When I am all alone and no one with me I hope I still paint and sketch.

When I am past living at home I hope I can find a way to pass the time watching movies, reading or listening to audio.

I need to be able to live and do and participate as long as I want and can.

Friday, April 12, 2013

mixed emotions

Lord, in your mercy,

Give me the spiritual tools to continue this journey.

Provide the scripture to guide me to a holy decision.

Hear my cries and pleas for answers and solutions.

Point me to the attitude I should have.

Give me the words to explain and assist.

Help me know that this too shall pass, improve and become the new normal.

Clouds return and with them my heart is overshadowed with the same weariness that has dimmed my spirit for years.

The air chills and my soul is made cold once again to the hope of a life of peace.

The trees attempt to green and flourish unlike my life that continues to wane and fail from lack of joy.

The calendar proclaims springtime but my lips cry of an end to any and all cheerfulness.

No one knows better than me, life is what you make it.

No one realizes more that attitude is a conscious choice with each wakening.

No one can attest to the importance of reaction more than I can.

No one will ever be able to stress the need for strong belief more than I will.
So often the truth is right in front of our eyes but we can’t see it for all the aggravation and distraction. Only the truth is what we must focus on. The truth is the reality that matters in each and every situation. Those without reverence for truth and those who cannot avoid distraction are hindered. Everyone’s truth is not the same. Each one’s distraction is not the same. Each one’s reality is not the same but truth is truth. Seek the truth. Tell the truth. Know the truth. Believe the truth. The truth shall indeed set you free. Allow it.
Truth. Peace. Contentment. All three make for a life of comfort, joy and hope.
Joy comes with the morning. Tears fall into the night. It is darkest before the dawn but with sunrise comes hope. With light comes realization. With daybreak come solutions. Sunup brings a lasting faith. Darkness was not permanent. Staying in the light is a conscious choice to feel positive. Courage is found in brightness.

I write a lot of drivel about hope, optimism and Christian ideals. I try hard to believe it. I write it to aid my own outlook. I am always trying to strengthen my own view. Words give me comfort. Ideas point me in the direction of better days. Language encourages me to express a higher belief. Expressions and quotes teach me new ways to exist. I find myself lost in my own thoughts sometimes. I find myself discouraged by my own lack of trust in widely accepted tenets. I know I can often talk myself out of depression and into the light of reassurance. I can also allow worry to dominate my thoughts. Fear easily attacks me in the night. Some days I can barely see the light for the troublesome thoughts that overtake me. I have to find a bit of peace anyway I can. I have to choose to alter my thinking, ignore the negative notions and release the possibility of any doubt.
Maybe I can find peace. Maybe there truly is the proverbial light at the end of the long dark passage. Maybe there is a clear answer to every clearly stated question. Maybe there is a solution to every problem. Maybe there is always a better choice. Maybe there is always a better way if we aren’t afraid to keep looking, keep hoping and keep searching. Maybe there is no one right way to any one situation. Time allows things to come full circle. A steady pace permits things to fall into place. A “never-give-up” attitude can see anyone through any circumstance.

Thursday, April 11, 2013

a wilderness

the wilderness of caregiving as an only child

barren territory never tread before

no guidebook to help

no rules to follow

wandering alone and blind

sick and scared

no longer taken care of myself

i find a broken spirit and little hope

even good days are laced with fear, doubt and fatigue

imagine the bad days

the puzzle we call life

Life is whatever we make it.

Life is whatever we see.

Life is whatever we feel.

Life is whatever we think.

Life is whatever we say.

Life is whatever we do.

Life is whatever we hear.

Life is whatever we choose.

God sees our past, present and future and only gives up on us if we give up on ourselves.

God hears our complaints and praises and still loves us if we continue to love him.

God feels our anger and our love, our doubts and our faith, and our despair and our hopes and supports us.

God tells us how to behave, how to think, how to react and how to believe and all we have to do is comply.

God knows our deepest fears, our strongest desires and our weakest moments and yet still wants a relationship with us.

There he is, my best friend in the world.

Here am I, his biggest challenge.

There he is, my true love.

Here am I, his project for life.

The sun shines on a new day. Hope comes with a new season.

The sun fades into a new evening. Questions linger into a new period.

The moon rises on an end to fatigue.

The moon sets in a night sky to aid rest.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013


Peace must spread from within my heart.

Joy must be experience throughout each day.

Faith must be practiced always.

Hope must be part of our spirit.

Love must be accepted and given along the journey.

Tuesday, April 09, 2013

finding respite

The late sky is streaked with pale coral, blue, and pink.

Tall trees stand stately and barely sway in a spring breeze.

My heart finds a new peace and a bit of respite from the weariness of what was life last week.

My soul prays for continued quiet and refreshment.

My spirit begs for an attitude of comfort and understanding.

Monday, April 08, 2013


Want to slow time? Sit in a hospital.

Want to value health? Visit a hospital.

Want to develop better health habits? Watch patients in a hospital.

Want to see God’s power? Watch hospital staff and patients.

Want to develop patience? Wait in an ER at the hospital.

Sunday, April 07, 2013

a new Psalm

Psalm 140 (for parental care)

Lord, in your mercy, restore us from the world’s pain.

Protect us from these who do not support our needs, those who devise worldly schemes and stir the hurt within us. They speak bureaucratic truths that are questionable. Keep us oh Lord from the hands of incompetents, those who do not seek individual needs to be met. “Professionals” seem to put a hook in us, push us along the path to a generalized good rather than the individual good for each. I say to you, “OH GOD, YOU ARE OUR LORD. Hear our pleas for help. Oh, mighty God, our strong deliverer who covers our whole body with your healing protective shield. Do not let medical bureaucracy. Do not let the masses take over. Let those who appear helpful to feel our hurt, needs and concerns. Let them put an end to general procedure and policy. Let them speak the truth for each individual situation. May they experience our concerns. I know, God, you secure justice for us and uphold the needs of family. We praise you. We believe you. Hear our petition.

Saturday, April 06, 2013


• Out of fear comes a stronger faith.

• Through adversity we gain confidence.

• In the face of the unknown we week the familiar.

• By God’s grace we thrive.

• When we feel most alone we find God’s with us.

• Because of a love greater than we could ever deserve we are saved from the world and ourselves.

• If we can stop struggling and fighting life we can enjoy a lot more of it.

Thursday, April 04, 2013

Get Tough

Journaling for next few days come from latest hospital vigil with Dad and his move to skilled nursing (don't know length)


God’s faithful find blessings if they stay the course.

The great Jehovah touches the lives of each with divine force.

Our Holy heavenly Father never leaves or forsakes us in our times of needs.

By His love and mercy and grace we are freed.

Jesus Christ, God’s only Son, watches over us with kind devotion.

By His sacrifice we are able to stay in motion.

The Holy Spirit is our hope and strength each and every day.

Watching over and guiding and protecting us in every way we will know how good life is when we reach our final reward.

Heaven’s glory is the prize to which we go toward.

Tuesday, April 02, 2013

a list

It’s time to read the fine print in life.

Believe life is good.

Accept life’s challenges as opportunities to grow.

Get past life’s problems. All have them.

Don’t feel like troubles only hit you.

Love the good days. Get through the bad ones.

Let go and let God.

Keep things simple.

Save for rainy days.

Trust the good in humankind.

Know your own strengths and focus on them.

Be kind to everyone.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Choose your own attitude when you rise each day.

Pray without ceasing.

Know that all things are possible with God.

Laugh every day.

Smile at strangers.

Ask forgiveness.

Go to bed with a clear conscience.

Find your purpose and dedicate your life to it.

Protect your environment


Eat healthy.

Live in moderation.

Walk in nature as often as possible.

Hold your temper.

Never stop learning.

Research burning questions and favorite topics.

Read the Bible over and over.

Ask for help when you need it.

Help others when they ask you.

Stop and smell the roses.

Carpe diem.

Count your blessings.

Reflect regularly.

Go the distance and persevere.

Indulge occasionally.

Use sunscreen but enjoy the sun.

Walk in the rain.

Walk on a beach.

Walk up a mountain.

Take care of important details.

Don’t sweat the small stuff.