pieces of one

Many but one.


Pieces of one.

Pieces of none.

Different and same.

Pieces of me.

**

I find myself alone. I find myself hopeful. I find myself lost. I find myself concerned. I find myself unsure. I find myself confused. I find myself a mix of good and bad. I find myself a collaboration between who I am and who I need to be, who I might be and who I should be, who I really try to be and who I truly am one hundred percent…and who is that?

**

The winds blow from the north and I feel a chill up my spine.

The sun beams from the south and I sense a heat in my soul.

The earth is firm below my feet and I am rock steady.

The sky is a movable transom above me and I am transported.

There is a portal to my east and I escape.

There is a threshold to my west and I stand on the edge of my exodus!

If I jump I am a coward.

If I am pushed I am a victim.

If I laugh I am a mocker.

If I cry I am a suffering fool.

Alone I stand.

Which way do I go?

Indulgent I ponder the numerous answers.

Apprehensive I make a decision.

Timidly I take the obvious way out.

I take out my journal and paints and I am carried to place free of fear and doubt.

As I splash cool blue and warm sienna on the page I am moved to a calm, carefree safe dwelling.

Words form into ideals, serene and hopeful, I reestablish my haven of well-being.

**

If it were only so simple, watching the Georgia O’Keefe movie I find myself hopeful again. Maybe I will one day have the freedom to explore my creativity as long as I need, as often as I deserve, and regardless of its end. So what if I don’t make a full living as an artist? Who cares that no one else gets me or likes my work? It heals me. It completes me. It finishes what God started within me when I was conceived. He made me who I am. I have struggled to stay that being. I have an obligation to be that entity. I exist because of His love. I breathe because His breath is in me. I must stay true or my existence means nothing! I must attempt to share my wealth of life experience and if no one bites then it is their loss.

I see the world from a vantage point no one else sees. I can share it but I cannot force the viewer or reader to accept it. I can live what I believe. I can be true to myself but I cannot make anyone else receive it. By the time I am dust in the ground my view may be valued. Maybe it will all die with me. Perhaps I am deluding myself into thinking my views are some great prize. It is possible its worth is only for my own strengthening. It is conceivable the words are meant to comfort my soul alone. It is believable the images are for my solitary benefit. If this is so then it is enough. I could not have survived otherwise.

I am who I am for a reason known only to God. He is within me and of me and I of Him. This is my life. Today I am nearly whole. I will fight to remain intact with every ounce of life inside of me. God labors in love to give life. I labor in love to maintain life. I could so easily give in and give up. I could so easily take the coward’s path. I shall struggle on. I shall writhe in pain and bear down. I shall huff and puff and be born again of His love.

(I will continue to post here as available)