still grieving I guess

 

 

it surprises me I guess but I think I’m still grieving. I’m really not grieving with harsh life altering melancholy but quietly and steadily. I am not sure what I should do other than give it time. I grieved the hard sobbing kind of grief while mom and dad declined in health all the years earlier.

 

I know that no two people grieve the same. There are as many styles of grief as there are people and deaths. When Terry lost his parents, it was two different situations entirely. His mother died suddenly and he was in shock but I did everything I could to comfort and support him. (For me it was a reality check and end to a magical charmed fairy tale life.) His dad was sick for several years. There were many trips to the ER. Trips to see him at nursing home. A final trip to the hospital when he died. His dad had enough money to take care of things before, during and after. He did not worry  about bills, caregiving or anything really. Matthew and I visited mid-week so he didn’t have to do so and work too. We tried to care for him at our house and it did not work well. He went back to the nursing home. All this with his dad while taking care of Matthew, potting training him, and trying to maintain some kind of home responsibilities.

 

With Dad I went back and forth for nearly five years before he died, often going to Asheville or the ER or the doctor, often staying overnight, at the same time dealing with mom’s increasing dementia. When he died I still had mom to deal with plus her increase of health and mind issues I continued to make numerous trips. We tried the nursing home, our house and assisted dementia care which was obvious. She failed steadily. I continued to travel, miss sleep, change plans and continue to maintain some kind of home responsibilities.

 

Now, I’m facing a new normal. I have not figured out what that is yet. I don’t know what I should do each day. I don’t know what plans to make. I try to follow my schedule of getting the necessary things done but it doesn’t feel like enough. I have many people trying to maintain contact, checking on me, offering distractions, and prayer to show concern.  I don’t know what I need other than time, sleep, rest, time for art and prayer to help me recover what time I have left.

 

Retired from jobs but not life, still, I maintain some kind of home responsibilities. I maintain commitments. I maintain relationships. I maintain living. However, my cell phone rings and I lurch before realizing it can’t be about mom. I get up in the morning and wonder what I have to do today. Since I don’t have to see about Mom and Dad other than I am still trying to settle mom’s small estate. I also am aware of all the things and people neglected while taking care of them. I can never regain all that was lost then. I don’t know if people realize that. I also don’t know if I can even begin to make it up in the time I have left.

 

This is how I’m grieving. Does anyone get it? I doubt it. Does anyone else grieve this way? Maybe. This is how I’m grieving. It should not necessarily keep me from sleeping but it does. It should not keep me from functioning but it does some days. It should not keep me stalled in my life but it is. This is how I’m grieving. I know all this affects my family and friends but this is how I’m grieving and I have to give it the time needed. I will be better. I will recover. I will figure it out or maybe I won’t. This is how I’m grieving.