January 10, 2015
A whirlwind since before the holidays.....
Christmas was lovely though sickness before and after.
Mom is almost settled into Carillon. I have her house emptying twice a week with hopes of selling or dumping on the bank.
Matthew and Molly are less than two weeks till the wedding.
I am tired. I am confused. I am still depressed despite the positives in my life as opposed to the time prior to Thanksgiving.
I feel my age increasing rapidly, my faith still dangling from a thin thread, my health unbalanced and my life still a mix of ups and downs.
I am tired.
I am weary.
I am worn.
I don’t know if I can survive.
Mom was evaluated this past week and she was very uncooperative so they saw the real issues.
Now if I can sell the house and not have to do too much butt wiping to maintain Medicaid after the sell and profits are spent. Lord, in your mercy, if I don’t survive, at least I tried to make it all work out.
This is my debriefing of the day and past 3 weeks.
Do we ever totally debrief though? It swims in my head, sprit and heart consciously and unconsciously. It rattles in my soul till I feel like I will explode. It hangs on my flesh like dead skin. It clings to my space till I can hardly breathe. It drips from my mouth like sickness. It crushes me on all sides till I disappear.
What is “it” you ask?
IT is all that and so much more!
Lord, in your mercy, I struggle but feel your embrace. I cringe but know your love. I gasp but breathe in your peace. I cry and feel a release of doubt but know my faith will continue to grow and see me through to the end. I look to the sky and find the stars. I look to the earth and feel the smooth sweet grass. I am thankful for your unfailing presence. Please never allow me to leave you. Amen.
Do I believe what I write? I’m not really sure. I guess I write it to try to convince myself I can be okay. Just O K .
From PHILOMENA “You don’t know what you don’t know. Deal with it when you do.”
January 11, 2015
Yesterday took the stuffing out of me. Today I stayed home from church. I am stuffed from lunch. I am watching a very interesting movie. I saw another one that helped me understand my family is not so bad. I hope I didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings yesterday. I hope I didn’t do permanent damage. I hope I didn’t let go of anything important. I hope I can get my own clutter under control so I cannot leave a mess for Matthew. I really don’t want him to ever have to deal with the same kind of junk and indecision.
I found some more writings that mom made. She wrote something that l could have written. “What do I have to do Lord to be happy and content?” I love my mom but I don’t want to become her. I don’t want to worry myself into illness. I don’t want to lose my mind. I don’t want to waste the few good years I have left. I don’t want to be miserable for no good reason.
I want to be happy, healthy and whole! I want an organized clutter free home and LIFE. I need passion and spirit.
I want peace and quiet. I want smiles and laughter. I need my family to have all this too. AND HEALTH! I need these things more than anything. I don’t need new trinkets.
Lord, in your mercy. . . . . .
How do I make this happen? I can’t MAKE it happen. I can maybe WILL it to happen. I can ALLOW it to happen. I can PRAY it CAN happen. BUT ONLY GOD CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN and that’s not how he works. He does what he wants and allows us the same freedom. It’s our choices that make or break us. It’s our choices that make us happy or break our spirit. It’s our choices that take us through pain and grief and our choices that take us through laughter and tears. it’s our choices that cause us to live well, give to others, find what we need, and be who we become.