Three months and nearly two days ago, my mom died. It was an
emotional release for us both. I was worn down from the constant worry, fear,
on call, and dragged down from the eight years of caregiving from a distance.
It was only 50 miles one way but I made so many per week. I made so many late
night travels. I lost so much confidence, ability, strength, and energy. I
found control issues, anger, and doubt I had no idea was so strong in my
psyche. I learned so much about fortitude in mind, spiritual sustenance, and
that tiny seed of faith. I got through days I thought would never end. I got
through nights that were extremely tiring. I got through weak hope, failing
spirit, and lost willpower.
I miss mom (and dad, 5 years in April). I don’t miss the
pain and discomfort and trouble we all experienced on various levels of life’s
journey. I don’t miss the late phone calls, the ER visits, the fears, the
dread, and the feeling of carrying the whole load.
I still have all these traits in my life. I always did. I
still have worries and fears. I still have doubt and anger. I see older couples
living a life of busy service and pleasure. I see people doing all they want
and enjoying it. I know folks are having worse times. I know families are in
dire situations that will never change. I know it’s a pipe dream to live a life
trouble free, but for Christians we have the ultimate environment for dealing
with lire’s problems.
I talk to God all through the day. I know some days he must think (not again)
but he’s there. He listens. He waits for me. He knows me better than I know
myself. He gives me strength and peace. He gives me hope and confidence. He
shows me the path that will eventually allow me to reconnect with mom and dad
in heaven. All my worries and fears will melt away. All my doubts will no
longer linger. All my weakness will become strength never imagined. I also know
that day will be so awesome I can never believe.
Even with all I have gone through and all I have become
frustrated with will be gone. I will no longer talk to God defensively. He will
tell me the truths I’ve longed to hear. He will share his son and spirit with
me visibly. He will no longer say “not again” but rather “finally.”
All this is true and real but such a small glimpse of real
spiritual life.
With all this I miss mom today, not the mom who had no focus
beyond her immediate needs, but the mom who listened and encouraged me while
caring for her parents, while working full time, and while living through her
own struggles. I now just wish I could lean into her feeling her arms around me
and her words comfort me. I miss her presence with me. I know God fills that
need and surpasses the comfort of a mother but no one truly replaces your
mother.
Lord, on this day of so many feelings. I ask for your new
mercies this morning. I ask for your all-encompassing peace. I plead for your
joy in my life. I beg for your care for my husband, son and daughter-in-law;
and all my family and friends. People are afraid. People are hurting. People
are struggling. I am struggling. I don’t think a believer ever gets to the
summit of faith until we finally are with you in heaven’s realm. I know you sit
beside me. I know you protect me. I know you love me. I know you are there for
me 100% as well as for every other need for everyone who asks.
So, here I sit Lord. I am striving to be in your complete
will for my life. I am trying to put my own thoughts aside. I am fighting for
my life and the lives of those I love most. I am truly trying to let go of this
world and grasp your hand and let you pull me out of all these mixed feelings.
Forgive my doubts and sins. Show me the way; I am aware of
my need for you. Please hold me every second of my life.. Permit me the
strength to keep fighting. Allow me to find some peace and joy in my days. Be
with each person on my growing and changing prayer list. I will forever praise
you and your divine power over my life.
In Christ’s name, Amen.
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