year end reflections

 

Two days left this year. Overall, it was not a bad year despite losing mom. She was not happy or content. Now she is. I was not happy or content. Now I am. I am still trying to find a new normal, a new routine, and a new reason for living. I have not found the extra time I thought I may have. I do get to stay home more. I don’t get late day calls and have to go to the ER. BUT I don’t sleep, relax or find much more peace.

More peace I need. I am learning the basics. No matter the situation, peace must come from within. If the spirit of God lives within the soul then peace should reside there as well. Life is what we make it. This is another reason I have chosen abide as my focus for the new year.  I will abide in God and he will abide in me. Fear cannot abide where faith in God is. Brokenness cannot coexist within a heart that believes in God. Anger cannot be part of the same spirit that worships the Lord. Despair cannot live in a Christian.

 

All this pre-focus rhetoric always seems simple in its thinking. I never totally master the focus but I do become aware of where I need work. I always need work. I always find where I need to practice. The day I feel I have mastered an ideal then I surely must be in heaven, right?

We have this treasure in clay jars (2 Corinthians 4:7). God fills us with all we need to live a productive, healthy, happy, and spiritual life. He gives us the Holy Spirit to reside within our soul, Jesus Christ to live in our heart, and God the Father to guide our life to Eternity. He gave up his only son to die for our sins. He shares his Spirit with us to help us make right choices. He, himself, blesses us daily with everything we need. I said need not want. No one should have everything wanted because God knows our needs. He does give us many wants but he knows that everything we want may not necessarily be good for us. Our eyes are often bigger than our belly and bigger than our necessities.

 

We also are the treasure in the vessel as well as the vessel itself. If I have God inside, that is the greatest treasure of all, even greater than gold, frankincense, and myrrh. God sees us as his treasure and we must live up to that by following his commands and living a holy and sacred life.

 

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Sad shows make me cry.

Sad stories make me feel so blessed.

Sad lives make me cry.

Sad situations make me realize I am fortunate.

 

Wisdom from hurting people encourages me.

Lessons from people who learned the hard way give me hope.

I have not had a bad life.

Some days and years have been harder than others but my life is charmed compared to some.

When Terry and I got married, I felt like a princess living a fairy tale. I felt so perfectly happy. I did have some nerve issues but it wasn’t so bad. Then Terry’s mom died unexpectedly and I felt the spell of good fortune was over. His dad started to have health problems. He died the day after Christmas. Then Matthew had nerve issues but I thought it was just childhood woes of having me home all the time.  He would surely outgrow it.

He did I thought. He finished school and got a job, moved off, and had a productive life.

 

My dad had a stroke. Mom was showing signs of dementia. Matthew moved closer. Dad died. Mom was worse. She lived with us. She lived in dementia care. Matthew’s nerve issues worsened. He became anxious and depressed. Then mom died. Terry was so upset he hasn’t had his Fernwood dream come true.

 

All this makes me sad. It makes me cry. I also know that my life is still blessed. I have a wonderful family. I have a 2 homes and 3 vehicles all paid for. I have a reasonably healthy body. I don’t have any serious health issues. Nor does my husband. I have enough of everything. I want for nothing.

 

I am warm. I am clothed. I am fed. I am safe. I am loved. I am a Christian.

When do I stop whining? When do I stop begging? When do I realize life is damn good? I must be grateful! I must be content!